Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize