I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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