I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Boobs speak an international language.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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