I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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