The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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