every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Text me some of your sweat
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