Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
