I can text with my tongue
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
