I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
