i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
