never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
