So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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