So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
