she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
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Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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