Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
