I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
