I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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