time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
