we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
