I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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