I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
