She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Life is so much better after having sex.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
