When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
