you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
