Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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