I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
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you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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