??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Non-Jews are for practice
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
