Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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