Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
