I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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