we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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