I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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