I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
