her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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