somebody snuck up and got me drunk
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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