I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
