so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
sex in a hospital.. check
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
