I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
As shirtless as possible
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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