i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
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I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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