i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
