i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
