i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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