A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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