I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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