Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
