I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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