Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
