I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
