Too much gin, very little bucket
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
