if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
