The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
