The maid of honor just puked.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
