dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
