Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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