He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
what food is Colorado known for?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?