I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
