he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on