Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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