I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.