yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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