a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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