how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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