I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
