textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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