there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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