i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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