On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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