Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
